Patient Parent
I really value the compliments that friends give me about my parenting. But I also feel a twinge of surprise when they comment on how patient I am. In most cases, I am not the most patient person, naturally. I WORK at being patient. It definitely comes easier when dealing with kids than with adults, but it is still something that I put effort into. And I’m glad that people notice and validate me. It feels good. But it would feel better if I was honest. Here is a list of things that I do on a daily basis to be a “patient” mom, and, SPOILER ALERT, it doesn’t have very much to do with my kids. The list is broken down into two categories: the things that I do on a daily basis and the things that are lifestyle choices.
Daily strategies that help me be a patient parent:
I drink my coffee before I have to interact with any of my kids. By far, the hardest part of being the parent of babies and young toddlers is the unwelcomed middle of the night and early morning wake ups. But now that my kids have a set wake-up time, I can get ahead of them and grab some alone time with my coffee in the 15 to 30 minutes before I have to actually see them.
I eat breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes an afternoon snack and always a bedtime snack or treat. Staying well-fed keeps my moods balanced. Treating myself well by taking the time to prepare food that makes me happy or feel good prevents me from building up resentment about my caretaking tasks.
I manage the temperature in my physical spaces. Whether it’s the house or the car, I make sure that I have adjusted the thermostat to a comfortable temperature. If we’re out, I pay attention to the weather forecast and wear clothes that will keep me cool enough or warm enough. I stay in the shade and I avoid unshaded places during the hot parts of the day. I used to be able to tolerate heat and sun very well, but after both of my pregnancies, I can no longer bear it. If I’m hot, I’m angry. It is instantaneous and I’m not always aware that it’s happening. Managing my temperature helps me manage my mood.
I make sure that I get a little downtime in the middle of each day. My kids don’t all nap, but everyone knows to expect an afternoon “quiet time.” They each go to a designated space (challenging with twins who share a room, but we’ve sorted it out) and play alone or read or sleep. I use the time to doze, zone out looking at my phone, watch TV, eat, talk to a friend, or read a magazine. I do identify as an extrovert, but it’s different with kids. They need from me all the time, so having a break from them gives me a rest from caretaking. Meeting my needs helps get me ready for the rough part of the day from dinner to bedtime.
I prepare things in advance. I plan dinner early. I find calm moments to set up spaces for productive play or rest. This prevents me from having to do everything in the moment that I need it, so that I can be more mentally present with the kids as they process their own transitions.
I prioritize my kids’ healthy growth, development, learning, and well-being over material things. I know that sounds obvious, but it actually shows up in my choices every day, so it’s worth acknowledging. I struggle with a scarcity-mindset and I’m often worried about wasting money, so I don’t buy nice or expensive things very often. If something gets ruined, it’s not such a big deal because it is 100% replaceable. Similarly, I maintain realistic expectations for the wear-and-tear that my things will go through, so I don’t need to worry about my stuff being stained, scratched, or shabby. I let my kids explore, get dirty, make messes, and make mistakes without much drama because I value their learning more than whatever might be getting ruined.
Lifestyle choices that allow me to be a patient parent:
I prioritize my kids’ healthy growth, development, learning, and well-being over material things. I know that sounds obvious, but it actually shows up in my choices every day, so it’s worth acknowledging. I struggle with a scarcity-mindset and I’m often worried about wasting money, so I don’t buy nice or expensive things very often. If something gets ruined, it’s not such a big deal because it is 100% replaceable. Similarly, I maintain realistic expectations for the wear-and-tear that my things will go through, so I don’t need to worry about my stuff being stained, scratched, or shabby. I let my kids explore, get dirty, make messes, and make mistakes without much drama because I value their learning more than whatever might be getting ruined. We rarely wear cute outfits.
I rely on information about child development. This is easy for me to do with young kids because I literally have a Masters degree in it, but for my older kid, he’s aged out of my expertise and I have to do research and ask around. His teacher is a great resource for me. But having age-inappropriate expectations for your kids’ behavior is a recipe for frustration EVERY TIME.
I lead with empathy and grace. I assume that my kid is having a hard time, not GIVING me a hard time. Young children are still very new here on Earth and they deserve a little grace when they’re struggling. This perspective allows me to calm my own nervous system so that I can show up to help rather than respond with my own frustration. This takes practice and is can be achieved over time with a “fake it til you make it” approach.
All that being said, I did say that I’m a patient mom and not a “perfect” mom. I don’t even believe that such a thing exists. So, yes, sometimes I am impatient. Sometimes, I yell and freak out. I’ve even been known to rant at my children. But the work that I do to be patient also helps me to recover quickly and work to apologize and make the necessary repair to our relationship.
