I am not a POOPCUP

Several years ago, when I only had one child, I learned a term that cracked me up.  POOPCUP. Parent Of One Perfect Child Under Preschool-age.  This was hilarious to me because I was seeing so many of them on social media offering parenting advice to parents who were struggling.  Now, I’m not usually one to judge or discriminate, but I do have it out for parents who think that they know THE way to resolve the problems in someone else’s family, when they have no data to build on except their own very limited experience.  

It is true that, at the time I learned about POOPCUPs, I was very nearly a POOPCUP.  I had one child and he was still a young toddler and I had a Masters degree in child development with a specialty focus on infancy and toddlerhood and I freaking LOVE toddlers.  So, yes, I was POOPCUP-adjacent.  The difference between me and them, though, was that I knew how much harder things were going to become.  I had some experience as a preschool teacher under my belt, was spending most of my working hours still in preschool classrooms, and had also helped care for several younger cousins in my teen years. I had seen enough to know that feeling good about your parenting when your toddler is one-year-old DOES NOT mean that you have unearthed any powerful secrets that can solve everyone else’s challenges. And, I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that I never embodied the hallmark characteristic of a POOPCUP which is judgment of and proud-pity for the parents who are struggling.

So, while I was never truly a POOPCUP, I can still acknowledge how very far away from that persona I am now, 7 years later, with two additional kids, TWINS, under my belt.  Here are a couple of snippets of the things I’ve learned, so far, from raising my three very different children.

A side-note and story before I dive in:  I was recently at a meeting at my kid’s school with other parents.  A mom was there with her young twins and one spontaneously burst into tears of pain, as the other one sat peacefully on her lap.  She struggled to lift the crying baby and move them all out of the meeting space to minimize disruption.  A very well-meaning mom called after her, “It’s OK, we’ve all been there.”  Immediately, another twin mom looked across the space at me and we locked eyes and said, “No.  WE’VE been there before.”

Now, I’m NOT saying that things are easy for parents of singletons.  NOT AT ALL saying that.  BUT, still, parents of multiples have different experiences and learned different lessons.  I have been the parent of a singleton and then of twins and I just encourage you to believe me when I tell you that it is a different ballgame.  It might not even be the same sport.  So, some of the insights that I have to share with you about parenting unique children are also coming from the less common experience of being a “twin mom.”

Babies bodies work differently:

This seems basic, but I did not truly understand how different kids are until I had three of them, and two of them born at the same time.  A simple example: My twins were getting a lot of the same quality of care.  Like, singleton siblings get slightly different parents.  Circumstances have evolved, parents are older and busier, etc.  Twins get the same parents, save for some basic temperamental compatibility differences and other psychology stuff. But twins’ needs remain different from their sibling.  I have one twin who has ALWAYS pooped very easily and consistently.  Once the non-stop newborn poop phase ended, they poop once per day, often at the same time of day for weeks on end.  The other pooped several times a day when wearing diapers, and then switched to being a way more sporadic pooper after potty training.  You never know when it’s coming or how big it will be.  

Similarly, one twin has consistently slept for long stretches at night-time without waking and only minimally for naps.  The other has always woken up a few to several times each night and LOVES a daily nap.  (Thankfully, I have sleep-trained both and while my wakeful kid is up, they are often able to put themself back down without any assistance from me.  But don’t come at me about sleep-training. I stand by it. More to come in another post.)

Some kids have a harder time with life, and this challenges their parents:

This is huge.  It is impossible for parents to compare their success as a parent to another parent’s success.  IMPOSSIBLE.  If things are going well for you, then you should feel happy and content and continue looking for ways to develop (because your kids will keep changing and so you should change with them).  What you should NOT do is feel superior to someone who is struggling.  It is natural to feel some relief that you are not in their shoes, but to puff yourself up with your own glory at their expense is shitty.  And worthless.  Because, in a lot of cases, your parenting situation being “good” or “stable” or “perfect” might have less to do with you than your child.  

Hear me out.  I had a preschooler who was very reactive to transitions and very sensitive to all kinds of textures.  This looked like a child who had frequent tantrums during routine care tasks.  Getting dressed, getting undressed, brushing teeth, bathing, washing hair, eating FOOD (which we DO need to survive), leaving the house, getting into the car seat, driving, etc.  From the outside, I know that I came across as a passive, indulgent parent who refused to gain control of my kid.  Sometimes, I internalized that judgment and felt like I needed to push harder and be more demanding of my kid.  But I can tell you that I had a lot of strategies for coping with these behaviors, but nothing I could have done would have “fixed it.”  A lot of these challenges are still present in him, even though they look different now that he’s older. 

I didn’t realize how EXTREME these behaviors were until my twins were born and it all looked different.  My twins might fuss when I rinse the shampoo out of their hair, but I have still never encountered a bath-time tantrum with either.  They happily brush their teeth twice a day.  (Ask me how often my oldest brushed his teeth…)

But it isn’t all rosy.  One of the twins DOES exhibit a lot of similarities to his big sib.  He is also resistant to transitions and likes to really take his time with moving through routines.  A major difference between the older and younger sib, though, is how I react to them. With experience under my belt, and bolstered by confidence, I can keep my composure when my little guy is digging his heels in.  I know how to give him the advanced warning and encouragement that he needs to be successful.  And I can see how much he WANTS to be successful.  He just doesn’t always have access to his ability to move forward on my timetable.  There is a lot more peace in the house when I give up my agenda and cooperate with him, rather than expecting him to bend toward my will.  

And, really, I view parenting as a long-game.  I’m not trying to raise adults who ignore their inner state and their instincts so that they can please other people and look obedient.  I want to raise the people who will know how to keep themselves secure and content, disrupt dysfunctional systems, and care for others.  How are they supposed to become that if they aren’t learning it from their primary attachment figure when they’re little?