Dismantling White Supremacy Culture in My Parenting Beliefs and Behaviors: Perfection, One Right Way, and Fear
In this essay, I’m continuing my examination of the ways that white supremacy culture shows up in my own parenting and the ways that I am fighting against it.
If you haven’t already read to the intro essay titled “Dismantling White Supremacy Culture in My Parenting Beliefs and Behaviors” then I recommend doing that first.
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Okun has a lengthy description of “perfectionism” as a characteristic of white supremacy culture, but here is the piece that most resonated with me as it relates to parenting. Perfectionism is “often internally felt, in other words the perfectionist fails to appreciate their own good work, more often pointing out their faults or ‘failures,’ focusing on inadequacies and mistakes rather than learning from them; the person works with a harsh and constant inner critic that has internalized the standards set by someone else.”
I don’t think that I know any parent who hasn’t been unfairly hard on themselves for not being able to be “perfect.” This is actually something that I’ve been pretty actively working against for years and it STILL manages to rear its head every once in a while because the desire to appear perfect is so deeply instilled in me. When I have to run out of the house to be somewhere on time and I look sloppy or my kids are dirty, I’m worried about not looking like I have my act together. When I snap at my kids when I wish I could have stayed calm and sweet, I’m worried that I’m not a good parent. When my kids struggle with a tantrum in public, I’m worried that people will judge me as too permissive or my kids as out of control.
But ultimately, being able to shake these worries and accept myself, my kids, the state of our mismatched outfits/messy hair/behavior allows me space to actually feel the joy that I’m seeking. When I am comfortable with who we are and how we are and accept that others may have opinions about us but they don’t IMPACT US, I feel happier and my kids do too. It frees so much mental space. SO MUCH MENTAL SPACE unlocked.
Let’s be real though. Sometimes, other people’s opinions DO impact us, and that can consume a lot of that mental space. Sometimes we have friends or family members who think that we should be parenting or presenting differently, and sometimes they express that to us, triggering shame, embarrassment, and a desire to uphold cultural customs (think: kids should be well behaved, women should be well groomed, etc). In this case, when these expectations harm us and no longer serve us, it is helpful to practice good boundaries. Prentis Hemphill defines boundaries as “the distance at which I love you and myself at the same time.” You could put some physical space between yourself and the people who make you feel bad about your parenting. And if that isn’t possible, you can practice this mantra, “That’s their opinion, but it doesn’t really have anything to do with me.”
Okun also describes Perfectionism as “linked to the characteristic of One Right Way, where the demand for perfection assumes that we know what perfection is while others are doing it wrong or falling short.” And I’m sure that you can already see where this shows up in parenting. The so-called “Mommy Wars” seek to pit parent against parent for doing things the “wrong way.” I am very very lucky that I have very little experience with people putting their one right way on me, and part of that is because I have quickly exited spaces where I saw that mindset. If I joined a Facebook group to seek support and I saw evidence in posts or comments that there was not a general acceptance for the wide variety of ways to parent, then I left. If I made a connection with a person only to later hear them judge someone else for their parenting, I didn’t seek to further that connection.
It is unfair to yourself to choose relationships and environments where the vibe isn’t accepting of diversity. And if you find yourself in one of those conversations, where someone is telling you that the way you’ve done something or are doing something is wrong and their way is the “one right way,” I invite you to say “Well, it’s working for us, so it can’t be too wrong!” Because here’s the secret: there is no “one right way” in parenting, and anyone who is trying to tell you that there IS only one right way is either a) trying to sell you something or b) trying to make themselves feel better because of the FEAR that they feel.
Which leads us to the other characteristic of white supremacy culture that weasels its way into parenting: Fear.
Okun says “White supremacy culture’s number one strategy is to make us afraid. {...} We fear not being good enough, not being enough, not being lovable. When we are afraid, whatever the reason, especially when we don’t have the skills to hold that fear, we are easily manipulated by any false yet powerful sense of safety.”
And what helps us feel a sense of safety? Doing things the “one right way,” being “perfect,” and buying the things that get us there. This is where it comes directly back to capitalism. Being a parent can be a scary concept! We’re responsible for someone else’s life. Like, really REALLY responsible for it. And it isn’t a random life; it is the life of the person we love most in the world. The fear is that if we screw it up, we’re literally putting our kid in danger or ruining them. So we’re incredibly vulnerable to marketing.
Corporations can make so much bank by peddling products that make parenting safer, easier, or more attractive. Of course, some products do exactly that. I don’t think they’re all lying. But they are using our fear and overwhelm to market to us in our weakest moments. Let’s look at a toy, as an example. They’re going to tell you that THIS toy, this one that lights up and sings songs and is brightly colored and has the alphabet all over it, will make your child smart. Well, don’t we want our kid to be successful? Don’t we want them to be preschool-ready so that they can be kindergarten-ready so that they can do well in school so that they can go to a good college so that they can get a good job so that they can make enough money so that they can retire so that they can die wealthy? Isn’t that what we want?????? Shake it off, baby. We can’t actually control most of that. Controlling our children’s long-term outcomes is an illusion. There are so many variables involved in someone’s life that the toys we buy when they are babies have little value on the outcome.
I argue that we have to embrace the fear of uncertainty to overcome it. Our child’s safety and well-being and long-term success are uncertain. Letting fear control your thoughts and actions blocks your ability to find joy and gratitude in the moment. It leaves you seeking more, better, instead of being here, now. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be thinking about the future, just that you shouldn’t look at the future with fear but with openness.
Related to Perfectionism, One Right Way, and Fear, is the basic question of “Am I a good parent?” I’ve encountered so many parents, including myself at times (although, as I said, I’ve worked through a lot of this long ago) who are concerned that they aren’t a good parent because they aren’t always perfect. Perfection is a myth and doesn’t exist. Seeking perfection is a tool of white supremacy. DW Winnicot, a pediatrician and psychoanalyst who studied children and parents, described the value of the “good enough parent.” He explained that it isn’t important for parents to always be able to meet their children’s needs flawlessly. In fact, that could be harmful because it doesn’t provide the children with the chance to understand the nuances of the human experience, such as frustration, disappointment, and trying to communicate your needs in a different way. When we are “good enough,” we make good-faith efforts to meet our children’s needs. When we are “good enough,” our children get a wider range of human experiences at a younger age when they are able to use their highly flexible brain to make sense of it and shape their understanding of the complexities of human relationships and the world.
In other words, trying to be a good parent sets up a false binary that if you’re not good, you must be bad. But the middle ground here is actually highly desirable. We could just be trying to be good enough.
I am a good enough parent. I am patient with my children, up until 8pm, when I’m likely to fully lose my mind at that last minute request for a bedtime snack. I’m attentive to my kids’ hygiene, but not always proactive about it. Dirty socks are worn, baths are skipped, laundry piles up. I’m involved in the school community, but I’m not overextending myself to volunteer when it doesn’t work easily. I have high expectations for my children’s behavior, but I sometimes ignore problematic behavior because I’m too tired to intervene in that particular moment.
I’m good enough. My kids are great. And so are you. And so are yours.
Refusing to push yourself harder towards perfection, letting go of the one right way, and embracing fear instead of being guided by it are all ways to start to shed the influences of white supremacy culture from your parenting practices.
In the long run, your children will be better able to accept their mistakes and their flaws, because they saw you accept yours. They’ll be more flexible with how they accomplish their goals and support others in accomplishing theirs, because they saw you try a variety of ways to meet your goals. They’ll be braver and try more things because they saw fear as a part of life and not something to be avoided, because they saw you hold all of life at once, even the scary parts. They’ll accept that they are human, no better, no worse than anyone else, because they saw you grasp your own humanity and theirs and others’.
