Dismantling White Supremacy Culture in My Parenting Beliefs and Behaviors: Intro

In the US, there are a set of unspoken, often invisible rules that adults are supposed to follow to be considered appropriate, successful, professional, or having potential for achievement. We spend A LOT of time training our children to follow these rules, both in group settings like school, sports, and other activities, as well as at home.

These rules often read something like “Don’t be too loud” “Dress and behave appropriate to your sex (ie: feminine or masculine)” “Wear suits or dresses to be taken seriously” “Have tidy hair that suits the expectations of the current fashion” “Be polite at the expense of your own needs being met”

The problem with this focus on following these rules is that the rules are pretty narrow and come from the cultural expectations of the dominant racial group in America. These are the rules that the European colonizers brought to this land and started forcing on the people here and the people that they stole and brought here. Our country is one of great diversity, with many races, ethnicities, languages, religions, and cultural practices and values, but the rules are not diverse. In fact, the rules that might be true in other countries or for cultures that originate outside of European ancestry are often dismissed as inappropriate, immature, unprofessional, or downright ignorant.

And what does that do for our children, when we enforce colonizer rules on them? Often, we believe that we are giving them a leg up on finding success in the adult world. And maybe we are…but we are also continuing to reinforce the power of those rules. We are being complicit, whether we believe it or not, in upholding the expectations of white supremacy culture.

When I say “white supremacy culture,” I’m specifically referring to the definition presented by Tema Okun, in her article “White Supremacy Culture - Still Here,” In the article, Okun outlines 17 characteristics of White Supremacy Culture and, in this series of episodes, I am going to refer to them frequently. You can find links to these resources on the episode page or go straight to the website https://www.whitesupremacyculture.info/ I really recommend reading the article before you continue reading the upcoming series.

In this series of essays, I’m going to be exploring and sharing how I unintentionally perpetuate white supremacy culture in my parenting:

Let me be clear about what this is NOT and what I DO NOT believe. I don’t believe that white people or whiteness is superior to anything. I do not want any white supremacy to be in my life, especially not in my parenting. But it would be ignorant to believe that white supremacy culture has not influenced all aspects of my life, and I would be willfully ignorant to let those influences go unexplored and unchallenged.

Here’s what I do believe. I do believe that the European invaders who colonized so much of our globe were so successful in their conquests that they have managed to make their ways, their language, their religions, their beliefs, their culture seem, not only normal, but THE norm. As this has happened, all other cultural practices become judged against this foreign influence. Even when those cultural markers are valued as interesting or useful, we are still often comparing them to what is “normal.”

Now let me pause to talk more about who I mean when I saw “we.” I am writing from my own perspective to people who would identify as my peers. This information might feel most relevant for people who are living in or from the US or other countries colonized by Europeans, for people who have benefited from social privileges for being white, mixed race, light-skinned, economically advantaged and easily able to access resources (and I don’t mean all of those things at once, but any of those things.) For many of us living in a “Westernized” society, the descendants of those invaders and colonizers get to set the standard for what behaviors and practices are acceptable and valued. And even those of us who can intellectually THINK and SAY that we don’t value whiteness and white supremacy culture, are often not aware of the ways that we are perpetuating it through our beliefs and practices.

I also deeply believe that white supremacy and capitalism are so tightly intertwined that you can’t actually talk about one without the other. In all of my examples, I’m really referring to both, but sometimes I may call out capitalism specifically.

In this work, I’m examining the ways that white supremacy culture shows up in my own parenting and the ways that I am fighting against it, so that I have a better chance of raising {power-holding} people that are not easily influenced by the set of standards that so many generations have willingly accepted. In other words, I want to raise people who can CLEARLY see the presence of white supremacy culture and actively work to dismantle it as part of their ordinary, daily lives.

If I avoid doing this work, and ignore the ways that white supremacy culture influences my parenting, then I am passing on its legacy to my children. They will become adults who, at best, are also passively engaging in harmful practices, and, at worse, are susceptible to being heavily influenced by radical thinking on the right and become active white supremacists. (It’s happening to lots of kids, right under their parents’ noses…Social media can be a scary and dangerous place.)

This is evolving work for me as a parent, as I continue to uncover new ways that I could be growing and changing. I’m also acknowledging that recognizing the need for change doesn’t mean that I’m able to change immediately. I’m battling against deep-set beliefs and habits, but bringing awareness to it, strategizing around it, and talking about it with others puts me on a journey towards changing it. It’s not a quick-fix easy solution. This is work and I hope you’ll join me in doing it.