Yes Environment and Values-Based Rules
Some people thrive on creating structure and systems, upheld by a series of rules. Those rules aren’t always concretely defined, but it becomes clear, as the system functions, that certain practices and behaviors have to be maintained by all of the people within the system. For parents, that structure might look like having a daily schedule that is closely adhered to and meals that consist of the same categories of food groups each day. The rules are related to what we do, when we do, and how we do.
Other people do just fine with no structure and few rules. Their systems might amount to feeling out what’s happening in the moment and deciding where to go from there. For parents, that might look like letting your child fall asleep when they’re tired, rather than putting them down for a nap or bedtime, and serving meals that happen to be whatever the parent is eating whenever the parent is eating it. There might not be any predictable set of rules.
I’ve seen both types of parents in action and, while I’m sure that each finds the other type distasteful, both have their reasons and a place in our society.
Many people, I would guess, land somewhere in the middle of these two ends of the spectrum. I, as a parent, really love having a basic framework and a few working systems, and then a whole lot of wiggle room in between. As a morning person, I run out of steam at the end of the day, so my kids have to be in bed by 8pm or I end up losing my patience and yelling a lot. However, the time that we eat dinner and what we eat for dinner is largely dependent on my mood and energy level, and the kids behavior when they get home from school. If everyone’s grumpy and I’m overwhelmed, we’re having cereal and fruit at 4:30pm and bedtime is at 6:00. If everyone’s happy and engaged, then I might be able to cook the meal that I had intended and dinner might be on the table at 5:45 with a 7:30 bedtime.
In order to maintain this level of flexibility that best suits me without sliding too far beyond the bounds of what I find comfortable, I rely on a few systems that are loosely held.
First, my home is mostly a “Yes Environment” for my kids. This means that there are very few places and things in my house that my kids aren’t allowed to engage with. Most things that my kids can access on their own are OK for them to access on their own. This greatly reduces the number of times that they have to be told “No.” I do understand, of course, that it’s good for kids to experience the disappointment and frustration of being denied something, but I reserve it for the times that the refusal actually matters to me, in cases of safety and behavioral boundaries.
I often see parents create large gated play areas for their babies and toddlers in the middle of the living room. The baby and the toys are placed inside it and life carries on around them. I took the opposite approach, instead, gating off the rooms and things that they couldn’t safely enter and making the entire living room a safe area for exploration. The result was that adults had to open and close a million gates to move from living room to kitchen to dining room, but also that my toddlers had plenty of space to play which improved their focus and attention to their toys, and reduced fussing and the need for adult intervention and entertainment.
As my kids got older and needed more space to toddle and explore, gates came down and other precautions came up, such as locks on cabinets and specific doors. You can roam free, but everything sharp and dangerous is inaccessible. There is one system that I have maintained that allows my loose framework to exist. Certain doors lock from the outside, not the inside. We turned around the doorknobs, and all of my kids’ bedroom doors lock from the outside. There is a removable child-lock on my and my husband’s bedroom door so that it can be locked from the outside as well. This grants us a couple of benefits. First, no one can accidentally lock themselves into their bedroom. Second, we can lock my older son’s bedroom when he’s not in there so that the younger siblings can’t go in without his permission.
At this point, with an 8 year old and twin 3 year olds, my kids have free run of the entire house throughout most daylight hours with very little need for supervision or intervention over their activities. This allows me to run the household, knowing that the most dangerous things in their path are each other. I still have to break up plenty of fights.
And that’s the thing! Because I don’t set a lot of rules for what, when, and how we do things, most of my rules are focused on HOW WE ARE with each other. Most of the rules are about acknowledging the humanity of others and protecting their boundaries. The floor of your room can be piled with Legos and books and craft materials, but you CANNOT scream at your sibling like that. You can build a block city in my living, but you CANNOT throw the blocks at someone. You can be super angry and scream and cry, but you CANNOT be unkind to another person.
Because of my personality type and my specific brain functioning, I only have so much mental bandwidth in a day and when it’s gone, it’s gone, along with my patience and loving demeanor. I can’t manage to keep things clean and orderly and running on schedule WHILE ALSO managing people’s attitudes and emotional needs. By letting go of the expectation to maintain the house and the family in a structured way, I can focus my energy and attention on the values that matter most to me. My kids are messy as hell, but they’re nice. I’m not saying that tidy kids aren’t nice, just that I’m able to highlight the quality that is most important to ME.
So, when you see my family on the street, my childrens’ hair will not be combed. Their clothes will only match to the extent that it mattered to them that day. And if you come to our house, you will see toys scattered around the floor in every room, dishes piling up on the counter, and art projects littering the dining table. We will be eating a plate full of snacks for dinner. I’m fine with all of that. But we will also welcome you, exactly as you are with all of your strengths and flaws, just so long as you don’t throw blocks.
